Simple

I crave simplicity.

I work very hard to keep things in my world very simple.  Other than writing, I am unemployed.  I make my food from scratch.  My home is scarcely (though I believe beautifully) decorated.  My days are void of strict schedules or appointments.  I limit my time online, avoid the phone unless necessary and never watch the news.

Though people may judge this choice of lifestyle, it is what brings me inner joy and peace.  I am able to meditate on my faith often and refocus myself from all negative thoughts (though they still enter my mind).

The world is active and high-paced.  As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I can become easily overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted by trying to live the life of the extroverted society in which I live.

It took me quite a long time to realize this.  I used to try to keep up with all those who called me weird or reclusive, but I now recognize that my simple lifestyle is where my joy resides.  As an INFJ and HSP, I believe it is impossible to reach my full potential in a hectic life.  I need peace, calm and tranquility to handle all the activity that goes on within my mind.

If you are an INFJ, I strongly recommend that you simplify.  Forget what society tells you.  Ignore the judgments of your reclusive nature (though difficult, it grows easier to not care what those around you think).  Rearrange your life to find peace and joy.  Meditate and ensure quiet and alone time.  We all need breaks and we need periods of voluntary emotional shut down.

Most importantly, recognize that peace is possible despite being an INFJ.  Not only is it possible, but I believe we are able to achieve a level of peace unknown to so many around us.

Though it took me many years to become confident about myself, I love being an introvert.  I love my reclusive style.  I love my simple life.

Fight

I find I fight with my thoughts daily.

My mind is such a jumbled place, filled with many thoughts, emotions, memories, ponderings and more.  These thoughts are not always pleasant as the world around me is filled with so much negativity.  When I hear an unpleasant story or feel one’s unhappy emotions, they stick with me for a long time, even if I try to shut them out.

For that reason, I often have to fight to keep negative thoughts from entering my mind.  By thoughts, I mean recalling horrible stories and emotions and keeping my incredibly vivid imagination at bay.

When I see a news story about a missing persons case, my mind runs wild in many directions of what may have happened to that person.  I often fear my intuition is accurate.  I worry that I can conjure up so many awful scenarios.  I dread that the thought of each scenario I create will stay with me for some time.

Even though these scenarios are fabricated within my own mind, the emotions that come with them are real.  For example, if I am told someone lost a kitten, I conjure up a television-like image in my mind of that pet being hit by a vehicle.  Along with that thought, I feel the emotions of the cat (fear, pain, dread, confusion) as well as the emotions of the person who ran over the cat and those of the owner when they discover the body.  While none of what I am thinking may have actually happened, I still have to grieve through it and fight with the emotions of it, all of which will stay with me for years to come.

Some people like to tell stories of negative things in the world, sugar-coating portions or leaving them out entirely.  But by hearing the bare bones of a story, my mind runs wild and the damage is done.  I now have to live with those thoughts and emotions for a long time (possibly forever), never diminishing or fading.  They constantly enter my mind fresh, often uncontrollably, and I have to fight the thoughts to the back burner of my brain.

I am an overall happy person but I struggle daily with negativity and pain.  Each day I must take on with a guarded mind and closed emotions.  Sometimes I can handle it strong and brave, while other times I wish I could crumble under the weight of the emotional pain.

My mind is very active and exhausting.  I actually have moments of great pride when I recognize how strong I must be to handle all which dwells within me.

Change

I love change…

…when it is well thought out, gradual, planned, justified and, most importantly, on my terms.

Any change that is hasty, pointless and out of my control can send me into overly-emotional bouts of anxiety that make me wish I could shut down and lock myself in a dark, non-stimulating room until I am able to regain control of my world.

As an INFJ, I often feel that my intuition leads me to always know what is best for those around me.  Because of this, I tend to be a control freak.  I am adamant about change for the purpose of improvement and progress towards perfection.  But any change I encourage has been bouncing around my mind for some time while I ponder every aspect and purpose.  I never make hasty decisions and I certainly do not jump in headfirst and without deep contemplation and planning.  Only when I am certain the change is for the better do I follow through with it.

When change happens that is outside of my control, my mind still needs to complete the mulling process.  I need to absorb the change, dwell on every aspect of it and decide whether or not it is for the best.  If I conclude that the change is good, I accept it and happily move on.  If it is not good, I work on ways to fix it that are within my control.  However, until I have had an appropriate amount of time to go through this process, I will panic.  I will feel overstimulated, overwhelmed and anxious, especially if the change requires any action on my part.

I have read many articles on how to accept change, how to deal with unexpected situations and how to release control, but with each article, I come to the same conclusion: this is who I am and it is not changeable.

I kept trying to figure out how to change my need for control but it was only when I embraced it as an ingrained part of who I am that I could accept it, deal with it and live with it.

When change outside of my control occurs, I allow myself to emotionally freak out.  I allow myself that moment of anger, fear and anxiety.  To rob myself of it only makes me worse.  Everyone has coping processes, and this is mine.  As long as the emotions do not take over my life completely, there is no harm in allowing myself to feel them in the moment.

I love change.  I feel I know best.  I am an emotional person.  I am okay with, and am proud of, every part of that.

Shut Down

Despite my ability to constantly feel on a level much deeper than any other personality type, I also have an interesting ability to shut down emotionally.  This shut down is usually very brief but, I believe, very necessary.

INFJs feel a lot.  I cannot stress enough how much we feel.  Sometimes it blows my mind to realize how much feeling capacity I actually have.  I feel my own emotions.  I feel the emotions of everyone around me.  I feel emotions of people I have heard about.  I feel the emotions of people driving by me on the interstate.  I feel emotions from my past, as well as the pasts of others, as vividly as though they were happening right now.  I feel everything.

Because of this, I can get overwhelmed both mentally and physically and I need a break to protect my mind.  This is when I shut down.  I temporarily block out all emotions around me and I suppress my own emotions.

Sometimes I can choose to shut down and other times it happens involuntarily.  Choosing to shut down is difficult because it first comes with guilt.  I always feel guilty ignoring the emotions around me.  I feel like I have turned off my most important purpose, particularly because it usually happens when I am probably most needed (for example, when a loved one is deeply hurting and needs my support).  It is like a surgeon walking out in mid-surgery or a therapist turning their back on a suicidal patient.  So to choose to shut down is very difficult for me.  It is one of the very few selfish things of which I am capable, but I still must deal with the painful emotions it causes me, both before and after the shut down.

The involuntary moments are more common, especially when life gets hard.  I can emotionally shut down and do not even realize it.  I walk through life in a numbed state, performing the appropriate tasks while wearing a mask.

Usually the emotional shut downs last only moments, just long enough for my mind to reset and to help me cope with the situation.  But sometimes those moments turn into days, then months, then years.  This is when I fall into depression.

Depression for me, as well as many other INFJs, is numbness.  It is when I no longer care to feel for those around me nor for myself.  It is nothing more than a long term shut down.

Overall, I feel these shut downs are a blessing to an INFJ.  We need a break from all that we bear.  Even those shut downs that come at incredibly inopportune times come about for a reason.  The short breaks are what help us get through life.  It only becomes a curse when it turns into a long term shut down.

Yet another aspect of us that shows its face as a blessing as well as a curse.

Accountability

I have been thinking a lot on accountability lately.  It is usually in the forefront of my mind, but more-so after some recent events.  While the events are irrelevant, I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

I hold myself accountable for quite a bit…almost everything, really.  Even things that are probably not my fault cause me great guilt and self-reflection.  If something goes wrong, if someone is unhappy or if I have personally failed, I spend a great deal of time wondering how I could have done better, how I can improve myself and how I can fix the situation in the future.

Without personal accountability we cannot grow nor can we ever improve ourselves.

I find that this trait is lacking in most people which saddens and frustrates me.  So often people fail and manage to turn it away from themselves by blaming or belittling others.

There are tons of websites out there devoted to sharing your personal failures in order to make others feel better.  How awful is that?  How does that help us grow?  Instead, I believe it gives us an “out.”  A way to accept our imperfections guilt-free.  How then do we grow?  How do we improve?  How do we prevent failure in the future?

Many times I feel that my accomplishments have been belittled in order to make someone else avoid personal accountability, particularly as a blogger.  I am a very honest person.  Even on my mainstream blog, I never lie or deceive.  What you see is always me.

I blog about an area in which I am successful (though I can always still improve).  I have had cases, as many bloggers have, when someone reads my writing, feels inferior or poorly about themselves and then turns to calling me a liar.  They say that I must be purposely hiding my faults, staging my life and forging a persona that does not truly exist.  They belittle my accomplishments and make me seem worse in order to avoid looking at the true reason of my success and why they failed.  I have dealt with these situations through my Facebook life (people who personally know me!), through my church life and even within my own family.

No, I am not saying I am perfect and everyone envies me.  There have been many cases when I read another blog and feel inferior.  I mope for a moment about why I cannot be as successful and great as them.  But I look at why I am not as successful as them.  I figure out what I can do to get to their level, and perhaps become better.  I recognize that they are, in fact, better than me in that area and that I need to better myself.  I never insult them, belittle them or bring them down.  They have done nothing wrong.  The fault is with me and my emotions.  I use my envy to improve, not to destroy myself or those around me.

We all have areas in which we succeed and fail.  It is just life.  It is what makes us become better people.  But if we take those failures and accept them…or worse, glorify them…then we will only suffer personally.

Discussing your faults is acceptable and human.  Not coming up with a solution or method of improvement will lead to your own further suffering and failure.  Tearing down others to make yourself feel better is juvenile and will lead to your downfall.

As INFJs, we must always improve.  We hold ourselves accountable in order to become better.  We lift up others to lift up ourselves.  We do not hide from our faults, but rather we face them head on.

Accountability makes me incredibly proud to be an INFJ.  This quality alone makes the rest of the burdens we bear seem incredibly worth it, for I know, in the end, I will triumph and I will help others triumph as well.

Mask

INFJs are very internally focused.  We tend to live in our heads, keep things private and control what the world around us sees.  Part of this is intentional for protective purposes, but for the most part we do not even realize we do it.

I have always been considered cold-hearted, conceited or snobbish.  I know this is mainly because I have a face of stone.  I take in so much around me and process it internally, so even though I am very perceptive, warm-hearted and aware, none of that shows on the outside.

A lot of times I have to wear a mask.  This mask is a forced facial response to the situation.  My smiles are fake, my frowns are forced and the subtle changes in my eyes are consciously created.  I know many personality types rely heavily on facial expressions and mannerisms to read those around them, especially “sensing” types.  Because of this, in order to appear “normal” and make them feel comfortable, I have to create the appropriate facial expressions, since they do not come naturally to me.

I can sit through a stand-up routine that is the funniest thing I have ever heard and never once crack a smile.  I can stare straight-faced at someone who has lost their child and not shed a tear.  I can be verbally abused and attacked and never even flinch.

It is not that I do not feel the appropriate feelings.  I actually feel them stronger than most people.  It is, in fact, that I process everything internally.  I have the best poker face imaginable, as I am sure most INFJs do too.  It can look as though I am not listening or paying attention, but I am in more ways than you know.

Do not take this mask as dishonest.  When I force facial expressions for the benefit of those around me, they are genuine in that they reflect what I am truly feeling.  Sometimes I do not succeed in creating the proper facial expressions and that has led to misunderstandings, but I always do my best to put forward the appropriate face.

An INFJ’s mind is a very busy place.  I think we are probably the greatest multi-taskers.  While we take in more around us than any other personality type, we are also constantly aware of ourselves, always needing to force mannerisms and expressions, and continuously reading how people feel about those forced expressions.  It is no wonder social settings exhaust us quickly and we require emotional solitude in order to recuperate.

Jealousy

I am an extremely jealous person.  If I see anyone who is better than me at anything in any way, my jealous side shines strong.

I hold myself accountable for my jealousy in that I never tear others down or get angry with them for their success.  It is easy for me to feel their pride and joy when they succeed so I do feel proud of them and for them.  I like to help others become better in every way that I can, so tearing them down would go against all for which I stand.

That being said, I still feel my own jealousy.  This jealousy stems more from my failures than their successes.  Because of my constant desire to be perfect, when I see someone who is better at something than I am, it is like a mirror back to me showing me that I am not yet perfect and still obviously have room for improvement.

I welcome this jealousy.  It is the fuel that helps me constantly improve.

If I see someone who is in great physical shape compared to myself, it motivates me to eat right and exercise.  If I see a successful blog or an accomplished writer, it helps me focus harder on my mainstream blog and do anything I can to improve it.  As a mother, I like to read about and surround myself with wonderful parents so I can learn from them to be the best mother I can be.

It is also for this reason that I strongly dislike when people use social forums to complain, admit their shortfalls, or look for comrades in failure.  These people seem to be seeking emotional comfort in areas that they are not succeeding rather than looking at the truth of their failures and trying to improve themselves.  I much prefer to hear of the successes and proud stories of others.

Many people look at jealousy as a bad trait.  I disagree.  I think jealousy itself is a wonderful gift of humankind that can help us to be better in all that we do.  If, however, we lose personal accountability, then jealousy is warped into negative feelings that harm those around us.

I know, as always, I am rare but I do love my jealousy.  I love my accountability.  I love that I am always trying to improve.

Discovery

My entire life was spent questioning myself.  I always wondered why I seemed different.  Why I could never fit in anywhere.  Why I struggled so much emotionally.  And most of all, why I could not find anyone who understood.

My conclusion was always the same.  Something is wrong with me.  I felt like I was failing at my life and I could never seem to fix it.  I changed my persona more times than Madonna.  I tried different faiths.  I tried different friends.  I even changed my wardrobe as often as I could afford to.

But nothing.  I continued to fail.  I continued to remain alone, misunderstood by myself and everyone around me.

Until one day, I took a Myers-Briggs Personality test and read the results: INFJ.  What does that mean?  I researched and researched, read and read, pondered and pondered, until it hit me…

I am not insane.

I am not failing.

I am not broke.

I am an INFJ.

Those four little letters completely altered my existence and transformed my outlook on everything.

I realized I was stronger than anyone I knew, not weak as I had always been led to believe.  I realized I had amazing gifts and talents, not oddities and abnormalities.

In four tiny letters, my life made sense.

I cling to those four letters as though they define everything in my existence.  No, the descriptions are not always 100% accuracte, but the letters still complete me.  They remind me daily that I am not insane and that I am different for a reason.

Everyone I know who has taken the personality test sees their four letters, reads their description, finds it interesting and moves on.  Most do not remember their personality type after a week or two.  I think it is hard for people to understand why I care so deeply and cherish so dearly those letters.  They do not understand that those letters finally led me to understand exactly who I am.

Once I learned my personality type, I was able to begin my personal growth and development.  I now feel as though I become a better person everyday.  I know I am not a failure or a freak.

I am an INFJ and I hold that with more pride than any other personality type could ever understand.

Personality Junkie

Though the article linked below is long, I really wanted to share it with my readers since it is, by far, the best description of an INFJ personality type that I have ever read.  Sometimes, as INFJs, it can be easy to feel alone, alien, or even insane, so reading information that validates our minds and emotions can fuel our confidence and allow us to consistently bring our best forward.

I encourage you to take some time to fully read through this article as it may help you further understand all that makes an INFJ unique and gifted.

Personality Junkie – INFJ by Dr. A.J. Drenth

 

Logic

As I have explained before, I feel the emotions of everyone around me.  The emotions of everyone I encounter are strong, accurate and completely real.  I feel everything as though I am personally living their existence.

But that is all I feel.  I only know their emotions.  I cannot understand their logic or reasoning.  I cannot tell them what is happening in their life.  I do not read minds.  I do not understand their existence.  I only know how they feel.

Since I, like most people, prefer to feel happy, I always try to make those around me happy.  In general, while it can become exhausting, it is a fairly simple concept.  I do what I can to accommodate those around me and ensure their overall joy.  Obviously I am not always successful, but I do my best.

When it becomes difficult is when I encounter people who have skewed notions of what brings happiness.  Some people are selfish and ensuring their happiness means hurting others.  Some people are twisted, so their happiness comes from things that make me uncomfortable or even scared.  Some people are just confused, so their happiness is almost impossible to attain.

I think the most frustrating part is that I feel the emotions of those selfish, twisted and confused people but cannot grasp the logic by which they live.  For example, if I read about a rapist, I can feel their emotions of twisted joy, pleasure and power when they accomplish what makes them happy.  It is really hard for me to feel those emotions and for quite some time it left me confused as to how I could relate to them.  Before I recognized my abilities to feel accurately what everyone else feels, I was disturbed by who I could relate to.  I wondered if there was something wrong with me; if deep down I was twisted, selfish and confused.

As an INFJ, it is hard to watch someone in pain and feel their hurt, knowing that I cannot make them happy.  It is part of the daily struggle that exhausts an INFJ so quickly and causes our need for emotional down time.  But part of succeeding in life as an INFJ is recognizing that the emotions of others are not ours.  We feel it, but the logic is not there.  We may emotionally relate to a murder or a psychopath, but we do not logically condone it.

It is scary, but we must separate our emotions from those of others and use our own logic to hold onto who we are.  We have to remember that we are unique individuals and do our best not to lose ourselves in those around us.